Tag Archives: wordplay

Chiropractors, Confusion, and Coroners, plus Migraines

I’ve had debilitating migraines for decades and have tried every supposed cure known to medical science, as well as “natural” remedies and those mentioned in folk tales, wives’ tales, quackery, rumor, myth, and anywhere else. The term “long strange journey” might’ve been coined for this quest for relief. I’m not going to go into a list, because I’d burn out my keyboard and my fingers, but a local chiropractic clinic put an entertaining addition to their sign a while back which I find pretty hilarious. It provides comic relief, if not actual headache relief.

A month or so ago this small clinic changed their sign to announce a new staff member. They provide a single fact about the new person, which I assume is meant to be a draw for clients. The marvelous feature of the new person….he’s a Certified Medical Examiner.

Oooookay….maybe I’ve spent way too much time reading murder mysteries & non-fiction about the Body Farm & history of forensics & famous MEs (not to mention watching Law & Order & such), but aren’t MEs supposed to be for DEAD people? I’ve long believed that chiropractors are quacks, but not bad enough to need an actual ME in the office. I didn’t think they actually killed off their clients when they were adjusting their “subluxations” (first time I heard the term it struck me as a majorly pseudo-medical-sounding word if I’d ever heard one). Granted, having an ME right there would speed up the legal process if they did whack a client, but as an advertising draw it leaves something to be desired.

I saw a documentary many years ago about a guy who made pretty good money as a plain ole chiro, then decided he wasn’t getting rich enough fast enough. He started teaching a course for other chiros. The fee for the course was a million bucks. However, he had a money-back guarantee; if they didn’t make at least a million the first year after taking his course, and applied his strategies, he’d return the fee. He said he’d never had to return a fee; he taught ’em how to pull in the suckers and keep ’em coming back, thus bleeding them dry.

Despite this reinforcing my deep suspicion regarding chiropractic, I have actually gone to a couple (maybe 3) of them over the years, so desperate have I been to find ANYTHING which’d help the headaches. It, they, didn’t.

One of ’em I actually got “treatment” from for free, in return for tutoring him in an “advanced” bio course he had to take to keep his certification. This genius, who’s name I’ll never reveal lest he come sue my fanny, barely passed even with my expert help…and it was no more advanced than the undergrad bio course I taught in grad school.

Lest I sound as if I am completely against the practitioners, I know there are many people who’ve been relieved of all sorts of conditions by chiropractors, but (alas) I’m not one of them. And when I see claims that chiro can cure things like allergies or diabetes or cancer or such, I want to do something violent. And I do have positive thoughts about some chiros, notably Lorraine Toussaint, the African-American actress (actually I suppose it’d be more accurate to call her the Trinidadian actress) who played an ME for all too few episodes of “Crossing Jordan,” which was set in the Boston ME’s office. The show had several good MEs, but Ms Toussaint is one of my favorite actresses, just behind CCH Pounder. And Ms Pounder is actually playing an ME in the new show NCIS: New Orleans, a fact which is going to force me to actually come up with a functional television (unless I can watch it streaming, in which case I can remain happily TV free, since I almost never watch). There are exceptions, though; I’ve long thought CCH Pounder is one of the coolest women who ever walked, and just have to see her portray an ME, since I’m also fascinated by forensic medicine. I loved her on “Warehouse 13,” along with Saul Rubinek. The two actual stars of the show are okay, but Mrs Frederick & Arty rock…which is probably proof of my advancing age.

I digress. Chiropractors have never done anything for me medically, but at least they sometimes provide me with entertainment…namely, every time I drive by that sign. Some day I may go in and find out the real story, but I doubt it. My (probable) misapprehension of some fact is much more amusing.

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Filed under humor, medical, Non-fiction, Non-fiction oddball